When I was a little girl I remember having a conversation with a woman about having an abortion. Right after she told me, I then asked her what other things has she killed. To say it lightly I never believed in abortion, that is until I had one. Until today I didn’t even remember the date. December, 17, 2011. I found a paper from that day, and it all came flashing back. I don’t talk about my abortion with a sad heart most days. Today I realized my baby would be crawling. I’m a strong ass woman, but I have went thru so much. I have stuffed that abortion in my back pocket and tried to forget the feelings and emotions I had. That I went against everything I have ever believed in. I understand why woman have them, and believe that it’s the woman’s right to chose, but it’s not a form of birth control. Some woman that were there with me, acted like it was routine. I on the other hand was fucking mortified. For me it was too much. I pray for my sanity, and for my ability to work and provide for my family. Lately I have been focused on living up to what I believe in, and being who I say I am, when no one is looking, or when it’s a really hard choice. If I had money or was still with my ex-husband I would have had that baby. Do I think I was mentally able NO, do I understand my decision Yes, would I do it again? I think about what if that was it for me, what if I can never carry another baby. We all make choices, I’m living with mine. I learned a lot from it. Never let another person, change who you are. I went into that doctors office scared as fuck, me and my ex had been separated for like 8 weeks, I was mortified that my baby was almost 2.5mths and I was aborting it. I went into the exam room alone, she asked me did I want to know how far along I was, I said I already know 9weeks. She looked puzzled, she said nope your 6weeks 4days. I was in shock, I had not slept with my ex-hubby in 9weeks+. I dried my tears and I knew then I had to have that abortion. Maybe it was the hope that I would get back with my ex? Or maybe it was the fact my fling already had kids he wasn’t providing for. I was mentally drained, I was unhappy with my life and knew I wouldn’t be a good mom to that baby. I did what I had to do to be okay. Later on that day I went to my fav cousins baby shower. That was the ultimate fake. I didn’t even let myself feel, I didn’t take a moment. I put on a pad, cute outfit, and a fake smile and shared in her day. I have only cried one time besides today. I have tucked my feelings away, today I told my ex- husband the truth. He shouldn’t feel guilty, he didn’t make that baby I did. Only a couple people know the truth and all told me to take it to my grave, I understand, but I have to what works for me. The title of tis blog, was gonna be “her” name if it was a girl. Started off as a joke, but I don’t think it’s half bad . As woman we are only as strong as our story. We all go thru shit, it makes us who we are. Don’t feel sad for my story, be happy for me in my growth. I have begin to really become who I was meant to be. I am a girl that has made some mistakes, but is taking every opportunity to learn and be a lil better the next time. God has forgiven me I hope one day I can do the same.
PS- To the many woman who can’t have a baby for whatever reason, know I don’t or didn’t take this lightly. I pray for your journey as well. *A*